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给父亲的信

父亲:
       您在那边还好吗?多年没写过信了。抱歉, 我还是像以前一样很少去看您  ,您无能的女儿一直在外头奔波,至今都还在迷茫中。。。。    
       我知道现在给您写这封信您跟本收不到,只能是安慰自己愧疚的心,曾经该尽孝道时,没有尽孝道,如今只有悔恨在心。但我还是想说:“对不起!父亲,请原谅我曾经的无知,一直都想挑起家里的大樑,但曾经以为家里缺的是钱,父母缺的是钱,姐妹缺的是钱,所以,发誓要挣够钱了回家建子时才回家。万万没有想到父母最缺的是关心和耐心陪伴,无休止争吵的家庭缺的是耐心和理解。我恨自己一直记着您每次喝醉酒说那些伤我们的话。我恨自己曾又因为贪酒如命的您喝多了酒,当着滿房间的客人乱说话,而我怕客人笑话一怒之下把您推倒在地,看到您倒在地上的那一刻我的眼泪也在眼眶里打转,至今都后悔那么冲动。
       还记得,最后跟您的对话是在快要去世的外公家,也是您10几年没去过的外公家大门口。
”爸,我看外公好像好一点了,那我就先回东莞了。“
“哦,这么快?今年回家过年吗?今年家里要建房子吧?”
我说:“不知道,今年如果家里建房子,我就回来,不建房子就不回来了。”
“又不回来过年?又不回来过年啊?在外面假如遇到好的男孩的话要带回来看看啊!”
看着您难过又带抱怨的表情和语气,我才想到当时已是第四年没回家过年了。我只是边走边回了句“我还早呢!”  其实,当时还想再拥抱一下您的。要走了,心里难受怕您看见,我就这样走了。今生跟您说的最后简短的几句话,我这辈子都在内疚。当时要是叫您放心,我今年一定回家陪您过年,房子的事我正在努力,您不用担心。我要是这样跟您好好说话了,您是不是就不会一个人在家里喝闷酒喝了一瓶白酒而酒精中毒身亡了?
       这些话,每次我都想在您坟前说的,但又怕姐和妹听见,不好意思说 。您走了之后,我为家里勉强建起一栋小楼才两层,还没装修。我这几年一直没存到钱,工作10年了都还是这个样子,做了很多错事。换了很多家公司,换了很多行业,12年底说跟别人合伙开公司,开了一年,就我一个人一直在倒贴钱,他们两个都有钱进口袋,我感觉在里面又没说话的份,又累,又亏钱,坚持不住了,所以就退出来了,还欠一屁股债,如今又在迷茫中。。。
        送您走后回到东莞,我认识了一个老家的男孩比我大8岁,1.76m的个儿。跟我一样没念完初中(后来才知道的)。当时一直觉得他是您派来保护我的,特别是他有几个小习惯跟您很像,就是到哪里了都要咳嗽一声,声音也特别像。还有就是别人说他什么的时候,他总是呵呵地笑几声,事情就过去了。有时我觉得很难做到这一点。所以,我更加相信他是您派来的。但我感觉有时跟他很不合,有时觉得他太没上尽心了,我知道优秀的男人看不上我,但我有时候又觉得他配不上我。我是做销售的,还经常感觉他不理解我的工作的辛苦,反而怀凝我,所以,到现在要谈婚论嫁了,说好了今年年前要结婚,但我还会觉得一听到去领证这个词之后有犹豫的感觉。不知道,我是怕结婚?还是怕跟他结了婚之后不幸福?。唉,我不知道我在犹豫什么?
       不说我了,说说姐和妹吧。我觉得您走了之后,我们姐妹三儿,运气一直在走下滑线。姐她们的那两个养猪场都要倒闭了,她们的房子也被银行封了。我叫妹今年换了个行业,她到现在都还要我打生活费给她。但我觉得我们姐妹三儿,虽然,生活和事业上越来越差,但亲情越来越深了。父亲,如果您在天上还在关注我们的话,请您给我们指条路吧!至亲爱的父亲,祝您在那边能安祥晚年!
                                                                                                                                                                             2014年8月10日                                                                                                                                       二女:春梅


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